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"She just wants attention"
"She can't do it"
"She's a whore"
"She's insensitive"
"I don't even know her anymore"

Well maybe that girl you're talking about is struggling about something right now
Something that bothered her since the day you came around
She's been trying her best can't you see?
But she still doesn't understand what you need her to be.

You told her she's changed and didn't keep her feet on the ground.
She has changed because she's been hurt by someone who was just messing around
She has too many guys as you know.
Did you even noticed that her heart has been torn three times in a row?
She's very fragile, easy to fall, easy to break.
Your opinions hurt her, too much as she could take.

Please understand her, She's not perfect and she was not born to please
Not born to please people like you who are just bringing her down.

She enters the room, pale face, numb hands, blood-shot eyes

She smiles.

All her demons are eating her up.
Anxiety, depression but still, you don't give a f**k.
She's scared to tell you because you'll just judge her for craving attention.
Shame on you for being selfish and being busy for minding your own emotion.

She doesn't forget you. 
You left her.
She was scared of being a nuisance to you so she didn't even bother asking what you're up to
The girl Im talking about, is still there.
Dressed by your opinions and prejudices, even though she tries not to care.

Be careful on what you say, words can kill and guess what?

She tried killing herself today.

(xziax2017)

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Sakaniya Parin Babalik (Spoken Word Poetry)

Bakit ganun?
Bakit ang bilis mong mahulog?
Bakit ang bilis mong mabasag?
Bakit sinusugal mo ang lahat kahit alam mong walang kapalit?
Ganun ba talaga? Kelangan ba talagang masaktan pag ika'y umibig?
Hindi ba pwede puro saya nalang para hindi na ako mag tanong kung bakit?

Sa totoo lang ayoko nang umibig,
Dahil sa dulo alam ko ako'y ipagpapalit
Ayoko nang umibig kasi ayoko nang masaktan
Pero ganun naman talaga diba> lalo na pag ika'y nagmahal.

"Sana hindi panandaliang saya"
Mga salita na binulong sa sarili nang ika'y makasama.
Sa mga araw na ika'y nakasama, ako'y nahulog na ng tuluyan.

Ilang linggo ang lumipas at ako'y iyong pinaikot.
Ilang linggo mo akong binola, Binola ng iyong mabubulaklak na salita.
Nang aminin ko na ako'y nahulog na sa iyo.
Isa ka din pala sa hindi marunong sumalo.

REBOUND! Rebound mo lang pala ako at hindi mo naman ako ininform na nasama lang pala
ako sa iyong mga laro.

Kasalanan ko bang mahulog sayo?
Kasalanan ko bang mag assume na mag kakaroon ng salitang "tayo"?
Ang sakit. 
Ang sakit kasi pinaasa mo lang pala ako.

Sana.
Sana noong una palang sinabi mo na.
Sinabi mo na na may mahal kang iba.
Para hindi na ako nagpakatanga at sinabi sa sarili ko na 
"Sana ako nalang siya"
Sana hindi nalang ako umasa,
Sana hindi nalang kita nakilala.

Ang isip ay gulong gulo. 
Pero... Puso, hindi ka parin ba natututo?
Masyado ka nang nag papauto, Nag papauto na may mag mamahal ng tunay sayo.
Puso, alam kong pagod ka na.
Puso, tama na.

Puso, Magpahinga ka kaya muna at bumalik sakaniya?
Sakaniya na pinapakinggan at dinadamayan ka tuwing ika'y lumuluha.
Sakaniya na hindi ka iniwan kahit siya'y iyong kinakalimutan.
Sakniya na patuloy na mamahalin at tatanggapin ka maging sino ka man.
Puso, Bumalik ka muna sakaniya at ako'y sigurado na ika'y sasaya sa piling niya.

(xziax2017)


Sasagutin Kita ng “OO” (spoken word poetry)

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan to,
Pero sa mga sandling ito, gusto ko muna balikan ang salitang "tayo"

Siyam na buwan na ang nakalipas mula noong iniwan mo ako.
Iniwan mo ko ng hindi malinaw ang rason.
Iniwan mo kong sinasabi ang mga salitang "magpahinga muna tayo"
Oo, aaminin ko na nahirhirapan na din ako kaya ako sumang ayon.

"Pahinga lang naman eh" ang tumatak sa aking isipan.
Pero eto na pala ang paraan ng pag sabi mo na di mo na ako babalikan.

Iniwan mo ako ng hindi nag papaalam ng maayos
Wala sa isipan ko na doon na pala tayo mag tatapos.

Asan na ang mga salitang lumabas sa iyong labi na sinabing 
"Hindi kita iiwan kahit anong mangyari"

Ilang buwan na ang lumipas umaasa parin ako.
Umaasang babalik ang salitang "tayo"
Oo, Mahal parin kita 
Pero sa mga panahong ito, nakahanap ka na pala ng iba.

Nang malaman ko na liniligawan mo na siya,
Araw-araw at gabi-gabing itinatanong sa sarili kung ano ba ang kulang sakin?,
Ano ba ang hindi ko naibigay na nabigay niya? Ano nga ba ang wala ako na meron siya?.

Ang sakit, kasi kung iisipin, ikaw ang pinakaunang minahal ng tunay.
Yun pala ganoon lang ako kabilis palitan sa iyong buhay.

"Wag ka mag alala, hindi niya alam ano ang sinayang niya" ang sinasabi nila.
Pero bakit ganon? 
Bakit ang hapdi parin ng pusong nangungulila mula nang ika'y mawala?.

Sa paglipas ng panahon, natutuhan kong tanggapin
Tanggapin na hindi ka talaga para saakin.

Dahil sayo ako'y natakot nang mag mahal muli
Pero salamat parin dahil kundi dahil sayo hindi ako natuto,
Kundi dahil sayo hindi ko nagawa ang mga bagay na hindi ko inaakalang magagawa ko,
Kundi dahil sayo, hindi ko makikilala at mamahalin ang sarili ko.

Ikaw lang pala ay isang maling akala at masaya na ako dahil nahanap ko na SIYA
Siya na hindi ako iiwan kahit anong mangyari
Siya na nandiyan para saakin mula pa noong umpisa
Siya na dahilan ng aking kasiyahan
Siya na alam kong mamahalin ako ng walang hanngan
Siya na nag patunay na di dapat akong matakot mag muli kasi andiyan naman siya handang sumalo
kung sakaling ako'y mahulog muli.
Siya na nag parealize saakin kung ano talaga ang halaga ko
Siya na nag sabi saakin na "anak hindi mo na kailangan mag hanap pa ng iba kasi kayako higitan ng
sobra ang ibinibigay nila."

Pero kung dumating man ang panahon na humingi ka ng tawad at sinabi mong mahal mo pa ako,
Syempre sasagutin kita ng OO! 

OO, ako nga pala yung sinayang mo.

(xziax2016)

Continue reading “Sasagutin Kita ng “OO” (spoken word poetry)”

Tama na muna

“Puso, hindi ka ba napapagod?”

Ayaw naman kitang sisihin, ginawa ka kasi para tumibok habang ako’y nabubuhay. Pero hindi ka ba napapagod?. Hindi ka ba napapagod mag mahal at masaktan ng paulit-ulit? Hindi ka ba napapagod umintindi? Hindi ka ba napapagod mahulog ng mahulog at walang nasalo sayo? Hindi ka ba napapagod umasa?

Puso, tama na muna.

Tama na muna sa pag hahabol ng mga taong hindi ka naman kayang pagalagahan. Tama na muna sa pag intindi ng iba. Tama na muna sa pagbibigay ng pag mamahal sa iba. 

Tama na muna.

Puso, Mag pahinga muna tayo. Itigil mo muna ang pag intindi ng tibok ng puso ng ibang tao. Ibalik muna natin ang dati mong pag tibok, yung tibok ng pag mamahal sa sarili. Nakalimutan mo na ata tumibok para sa nilalang na gumawa sayo. Mag tulungan tayo hanggat sa mabalik natin yung pag tibok na ating ninanais… yung tibok na walang hinihinging kapalit na pagmamahal.

Puso, Mag pahinga ka muna hanggat mahanap mo muli ang tunay na rason ng iyong pag tibok. 

Thank you 2016!

lightsAnother chance, another year.

Another book to fill out the pages.

A brand new chapter.

********

Looking back at 2016 gives me mixed emotions. It was a huge roller coaster ride that was full of unexpected loops, It was also an adventure… An adventure full of quests, but most of all… it was a journey, a journey that bought me closer to God.

At the start of the year, i told myself that it was going to be my year. I had plans for myself. The first few months of 2016 was turning out the way I expected it to be. I was very excited for the months to come.

One of the most memorable things that happened that year is that when I went to youth camp, I made new sisters in Christ, I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior, and I surrendered EVERYTHING to him.

A month later after camp, I had a really good relationship with my friends, family and “boyfriend”. Everything was turning out well and I was really basking in joy at that time. But weeks later, it all turned around. My boyfriend broke up with me, I was less active at church, and I started to question God. ( in the process )

Little did I know, God had greater plans in-store for me

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine” – Isaiah 55:8 (NLT)

I did things that I never knew I could do. I won at a pageant, knowing that I was the type of girl that was a little bit boyish, I really don’t like being the center of attention, and competing in  a pageant never crossed my mind. But God is a  God full of surprises, you will never know what God has in mind but I’m sure that whatever he has on his mind, is the best for you.

Winning that pageant gave me confidence, It uplifted my faith once again and I changed. Changed for the better.

******

What I’m trying to tell you is that things will not always go the way we want it because God always has better plans for us.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We may lose faith in him, but he will never lose his faith in us. He will always love us no matter what. He gives you challenges because he knows that you are strong enough to handle it. Storms may come and go but he will remain the same God we know yesterday, today, and forever.

I just want to thank you 2016, somehow you have became good to me and you showed me my life verse (Jeremiah 29:11)

Cheers to a brand new book in life, Let’s just let God be the writer and it will be another great story to be told. Cheers to 2017. God loves you so much!

 

Moving on

“Is Moving on really that hard?”

2 words 8 letters. M-O-V-I-N-G  O-N.

It’s almost 5 months since he left me. 5 months full of unexpected happenings. 5 months of grief. “He’s just a guy” they said. But “that guy” became my world. In those 5 months, God made me realize so many things. Yes, It’s hard to accept the fact that he’s no longer mine, but the fact that he’s still a part of my life is a blessing.

People say you should forget the people in the past… but you can’t. (unless you’ll have amnesia or some brain damage). Let’s just accept the truth and just face our future with a big smile on our faces. It’s not that bad to look back at the past, because the past made you who you are now…

Moving on can really take time. Some people took years to move on. It requires alot of patience, prayer and tissues. haha.. Let me share you a part of my moving on experience…

The day after our break-up, I just felt freedom, i was kind of happy in a way. There were no “do’s” and “dont’s” so I just went on with my normal daily routine. Weeks passed and that’s where i felt the grief, I had no one to talk to at the middle of the night, There was no one asking me if I already had my dinner or did I got home safely, There were no goodmorning and goodnight messages, most of all… there were no “i love you’s”. I started missing him so much that I decided to message him for one last time just for a closure and he just said that he still needed time. A month passed, then I heard that he is now with another girl. It broke my heart into a million more pieces. I started asking God “why did he move on that quickly?” “why did you gave him to me if we were really not meant to be”, That was my last conversation with him. I started to lose faith after that. I became stubborn, I shut people off, I was depressed. That depression was also the reason why he left me. I changed, not for the better, but for the worse. I lost myself, I didn’t know who i was anymore, I was finding reasons to hate myself each and everyday. I pushed myself to fall for other guys, but i can’t. it only proved that replacing him wouldn’t be a solution. I just felt nothing but pain.

Then one day i received a message from my small group leader, she shared her devotion to me and that struck me hard. I found myself crying after I read it, later on I decided to just talk to God and tell him everything then this verse suddenly came into my mind

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is greatest when you are weak” 2 Corinthians 12:9

After having that talk with him, I prayed my heart out. I asked him for healing and strength. Minutes later I just felt his presence, I saw articles about moving on, i saw bible verses that made me stronger and there was this person who messaged me a link to @joenasandiego’s blog and I was just so blessed and amazed how God moved in my life that very moment, words could not explain how I was so blessed.

To summarize this, God breaks you because he’s just reminding you that you need him. He’s just making you stronger and wiser. God never allows pain without a purpose. You just need God to fill that empty space in your heart, allow him to enter your life and make you whole again. You’re not alone, you got your friends, family and most especially God to help you in your moving on journey. Always stay stronger than strong, God is with you. Give your heart to God and one day, he’ll give it to the right man, the man that he made just for you. Don’t rush yourself in moving on, it will only make it worse. Trust God in the process, enjoy God’s presence when you experience the pain, He will always and forever be with you and love you til’ the very end of time. You deserve the best. Better things are coming. 🙂 May God bless you so much more!

in the process

“my first love broke my heart for the first time”

that’s a perfect phrase to describe what im feeling right now. im broken. im lost. i don’t even know my worth anymore. i hate myself. i hate myself because i made you my world. i gave you my everything and you left me with nothing…. nothing but our memories together. 

It’s been 4 months since you’ve left me. I still can’t get you out of my mind. Seeing you with another girl breaks my heart into a million pieces. I thought replacing you would mend my broken heart… but it only made things worse. I’ve lost myself. It also made me question God… question my faith in him.

I thought you were the one. our relationship had imperfections but we made it through a year and a half. then when things got worst. you left me. you left me when i needed you the most. you said that you just needed time but after a few weeks you already found a new replacement. It hurts as hell.

At first, i thought moving on wouldn’t be this hard, there were times i thought i was over you, but there came one night that i really needed to talk to you and it brought back every memory i spent with you. every time i see you on social media sites, it makes me miss you more.

One thing i realized. you’re not the only man on Earth. i know someday, someone will treat me better. the way i deserve to be treated.

But for now…i know im in the process of healing. I’m in the process of knowing who i really am.

I just want to thank you for making me stronger and making me a better person and i hope that you’ll treat her better than the way you treated me.